Well, I've just been rejected for my second summer plan...so I'm feeling quite low at the moment. And although, honestly I'm not as disappointed about this one, as I was the previous one, it begs me to raise the question, am I good for anything? good AT anything? When I see everyone going on their Yale Ivy scholarship programs, or their internships, it makes me wonder, can I get into anything based on my merit, or am I one of those kids who has to pay their way? I've been brought up to believe I can do anything I put my mind to, and so far, that has been smooth sailing for me. Recently, it seems like that's just not good enough. No matter how hard I try, or how much I improve, it seems like there's always that someone who is one step ahead of me, got that extra special something. The worst part? I don't know what to do about it.
Now I hate moping. I feel like I'm wasting even more time doing so. But when it all falls apart for the second time, you begin to wonder, how there is even a remote chance of it working out the next time? I am blowing this out of context, mind you, it's just summer and I am ambitious here seeing as I have 110 other things to do..but it's just that feeling of chilling out and doing what I love, mixed in with that ultra dramatic moment that I want. I think I have parts 1 and 2 down, but I want to do something special. I have no idea why I want this so bad, but I guess if I just relax, it'll come eventually.
This whole week though, has been pretty bleughhh if you ask me. I just finished my SAT for the second time, yet there's no feeling of joy, just a feeling of relief that it's over and done with. Never a good sign. Also, a lot of my friends this week like I've said already have been feeling it (and by 'it' I mean sadness, stress, anger, frustration, pain, weakness), and that has just affected me, not to mention the piling workload that just seems never ending. I just wish my end to the year would be a bit smoother. It only seemed like last week when things were going so great. And I just know next week won't be something to look forward to either. For example, the awards assembly...it's simply accolades for the best of the best, or rather those who put their noses to the grindstone when it comes to academics, unlike me. I sound selfish saying that I don't want to celebrate their achievements because they do deserve the recognition, but honestly, I don't. I have secretly always clamoured for an award, but now, I don't even fathom them attainable for myself. I seem to have turned into quite the pessimist.
I need to go do something that will restore a little of my faith. I think I know just the thing. hmph.
I'll come back here when I'm done complaining and being such a moaner.
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